How to Handle Girls with Ex-Boyfriends The answer here is not, "Go beat the guy up," nor is it, "Tell him to stay away from your girl," nor, "Tell your girl to knock off contacting him." Both her and him are two separate people whom you can't expect to change, and who have a relationship between the two of them that they'll resent you sticking your nose into, even if that affects you.
Rather, the answer is, "Know what you're getting into, and make your peace with what you'll need to do and be prepared to tolerate, or don't get into it." Sometime back, I started dating a girl who was fairly close to an ex-boyfriend of hers.
Because she feels like she doesn't really need another man - after all, her ex-boyfriend is still around - how long she'll wait for you to pick up on her signs and take action drops dramatically. There's one man in her life she already likes - her ex-boyfriend - and he isn't trying very hard to win her back. She's difficult to maintain relationship control over. I can't tell you how many women I've heard rail to high heaven about how insulted they are that their man would possibly not trust them with their ex-boyfriends, and how many women I've heard meekly admit how bad they feel about yelling at their boyfriends to stop being so worried because nothing would ever happen with their ex-boyfriends, and then they slept with the guys again.
Attraction expires very fast with girls still in contact with their ex-boyfriends - they have zero real need for a replacement, and grow tired quickly of the dating game with men who can't act on their signals with great haste. You get compared directly against him - thus, if you appear to be working harder to land her than he is - this guy who may not even be pursuing her at all anymore - you lose points and look weaker and less attractive by comparison. and there are also some ways that the ex-boyfriend being in the picture affects you, relationship-wise, too: 4. Everybody thinks she's a saint until she actually does a deed.
You can hope she cuts things off with him eventually, or that he does with her, but much of the time that doesn't happen - she won't cut things off with him unless you find a way to do a better job fulfilling whatever need he fulfills than he does, whether that's wild, crazy, manly sexiness (and sex), or safety and security. Her Ex-Boyfriend’s Still in the Picture: What to Do? Because with every girl you have as a girlfriend, you're either the slickest, hardest, sexiest, baddest hunk of man she's ever had... Drama and fighting and problems in a relationship are turmoil and hell when you go through them, but the more drama a woman goes through with a man and still stays with him, the more invested in him and committed to him she becomes, and the more important to her he becomes and the larger his significance in her life becomes.
I'd rather reduce the odds I break more hearts as much as possible, and that means not letting women feel as powerfully toward me.
When I met her, I had an instinct that I needed to land her very fast if I had any shot of landing her at all.
I didn't know she had an ex-boyfriend she was still in touch with at the time - I could just sense the need for urgency with her, more so than with most women. But throughout the first 6 months of the relationship or so, she never fully committed to it - she was always one foot outside the relationship, and I was her secret lover.
I've never seen a girl truly committed to replacing her ex who also kept that ex on speed dial. You can dwell in the past, or get working on the future - but you can only pick one. Sure, if you use one specific person as an absolute metric for perfection, you'll never find anyone else who's quite the same - except for that one specific person, that is.
It's really not because "they have such a great connection that she just doesn't want to let him go." She keeps him there because she thinks she might want to get together with him again at some point. There are a couple of ways a girl's ex-boyfriend still being in the picture affects you, getting-together-wise: 1.